He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

... BWHAHAHAHA.
this icon brought to you by the fact that I have no self respect.
(Yeah, don't ask.)

So, this will probably be the last post dealing with this... Jon cheated on me. Which makes me feel better, because it gives me a reason that he broke up with me, a sense of closure. And I hate that. I hate that I trusted him, I hate that he clearly didn't care all that much. I thought I had more judgment than to fall for a guy who was just looking for a summer fling.

ETA: Okay, so I heard through the grape vine (not that I actually talked to him) that he says he broke up with me before he hooked up with her. *(Her being a Spanish exchange student. Yeah, I know. He's a sexually driven teenage man whore.)  Anyway, it doesn't really matter either way, does it? Because situation

A) He cheated on me and broke up with me because he felt guilty or

B) He broke up with me because he knew he didn't like me as much and wanted to be free of any obligations to me.

Both options.... well.

OR option C) he did it to try and ~get over me~, which is stupid because he was the one who ended it for no apparent reason. it's not like we were fighting or ~having issues~, if there'd been a problem we could have... he could have at least tried to deal with it! The fact that he didn't even try, he was just like "oh, enough of this, I'm done" just... what the hell? Did this summer, did everything you said, did it all mean nothing? Were you just acting? Why didn't you care enough to try? How could you be so willing to throw that all away without a fight?

Fuuuuuuuuck. I know, because as everyone keeps telling me, I need to "get over this" and "move on" but it's hard, and I knew it would be. I said so at the time! I said I was scared of how much I liked him because I was afraid of how much it would hurt if we broke up. Well, Hi, Past-Self, you were right to be scared because it hurts like all fuck. And he's not there and he doesn't care and that's the worst part. Still being in love with someone who used to love you but doesn't any more is a feeling I wouldn't inflict on my most hated enemy.

And I can't stop thinking about him. Hell, this morning I woke up thinking "Shit, I need to get cupcakes for Maggie's birthday -- oh wow my first waking thought wasn't about him! ... shit."

But I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he still has the power to fuck with my head just by looking at me, or refriending me on facebook, or what the fuck ever. He knew because I told him that he had the power to do that, that I still loved him, and that it would hurt like this if we broke up. And he did it anyway. So that just goes to show that yes, he doesn't really care about me and yes, I do need to move on and heal myself.

I wish to god I could stop wanting him.

"And we could have all this," she said. "And we could have everything and every day we make it more impossible."
"What did you say?"
"I said we could have everything."
"We can have everything."
"No, we can’t."
"We can have the whole world."
"No, we can’t."
"We can go everywhere."
"No, we can’t. It isn’t ours any more."

so, it's over.
i don't know what hurts the most. that i trusted him, that i believed him when he said he loved me. that his feelings for me changed. all the things we talked about won't happen now. he's not the "shelter" or "safe harbor" he said he would be. i'm going to miss the way he talked. the way he smiled at me, the things he said.

four months never seemed like such a long time before.